When you where a kid did you ever have nightmares and run to your parents room only to find the door locked? And when you shouted "Mommie, Daddie the wolf ate my crayons in the dream!!!" they told you"Go back to bed it will be fine, Daddy will get the wolf if he comes back!" You wondered what was so important in there that they couldn't talk to you about the wolf....or how he ate your crayons.
This exact scenario happened to me and I would scurry down the hallway to by big sister DD's room (she's 7 years older) and she would tell me my Mom and Dad where probably just cleaning...this made total sense because our house was so clean! Well at 27 years old I believed this to be true until...last night.
Yesterday I took the Metro North Railroad to CT to go to my big sis's 35th b-day! her husband John planned a suprise b-day party in South Norwalk at Havana bar and Grill. It was fun and very tame...until I got the brilliant idea that everyone should do Tequila Shooters...bad idea....
Let me preface this with the fact that DD is a total light weight....but when she drinks too much she's nothing but trouble...last Halloween she had 6 drinks...punched her friend Janine "accidently" in the eye and told some girl that she was a much "Bigger Whore than Vinny's last skank" and then she asked her if she "Did hair in NJ" and then told her "Van Halen and Poison are Dead." And although last night wasn't as physically damaging to those around DD...it has scarred me for life...ok not really...but you know...
My sisters friend Janine told me after 4 drinks that its been so long since she got laid that I was starting to look good to her...which you know was nice to hear...because I mean who doesn't want to get hit on by a 4 foot tall, 39 year old schoolteacher with smokers cough and a drinking problem...I mean she probably had finger paints back at her place...and I love that shit. Maybe we could of made little construction paper turkeys with our hands after "lovemaking." I only use that word because she kept telling me about her lack of "lovers" since her divorce.
4 shots later and 2 Sangria's...
I'm dancing to 80's hairband music with a dozen 30 and 40 year olds at O'Neils Irish Pub...My sisters friend Hannah asks me how I like living in NYC...and then proceeds to tell me that she loves NYC because theres so many fun things to do. AND that ahe and her husband and went to a "Swingers Party" in the city last month...how that had anything to do with the fact that I moved to NYC I'm not sure...and WHO ARE THESE PEOLPE?
Did this mean that DD herself was a swinger? My nice sweet older sister who taught Bible study and prepares vegan and gluten free snacks for her 2 year old son? The older sister who put bandaids on my cuts and covered my eyes during scary part or sex scenes in movies? The sister who let me tell her about the scary wolf who would eat my crayons in my dreams?!!
GOD NO!!! But after about 8 drinks she did say! "I'm gonna get laid tonight!! WooHoo! Its my Birthday!!!"
On nights like that I wish I could have had a pair of earmuffs...
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