Working isn't for me

Dear Blog,

Here I am again looking at the walls of my cube and writing resignation letters in my mind. I mean really why work? That Rousseua philopher dude was right. He said that the reason we have propeerty today is because some dude long ago but a stake in some land and said this is mine...and people listened. CLEARLY we've all been the idiots told we have to work...and we've listened...but why?

I think I'm going to ponder this some more and look at alternative employement...circus clown? postal worker? Those sound good so far,

Love, This Jo

Indentured Servitude and a long abscence...

Dear Blog,

I'm sorry if you've felt abandoned these past few weeks but a lot has happened since I last wrote!!

Aside from having my iPod Stolen...the following experiences have occurred:

a) ruptured ovarian cyst....no worries I come equipped with 2 ovaries
b) I finally cleaned my room
c) was doing my laundry
d) would you believe my dog ate my keyboard...no...fine I don't have a dog but my Y key fell off again making typing difficult
e) I visited my parents from fathers day and still haven't recovered
f) Went to gay Pride...you have to love a culture that prides itself on scantily clad men, women on motorcycles, drag queens and drink specials...ahh drink specials how I love you so...especially when in drag...

OK but seriously the thing that has kept me away the most and perhaps is the most significant is this...I finally made up all of my Co-op shifts! Co-op you ask? Yes the Park Slope Food Co-op a.k.a modern slavery for organic food (www.foodcoop.com)

See In order to get cheap goods you have to work a shift every for weeks....but after you miss more than 1...for every time you miss one you owe two....so basically its like I've had a second job this month of June....but its over its finally over and I'm allowed to shop again! And I swear blog....if I stop writing again....it will be for something way better than the Food Coop...like Drag Queens...or Drink Specials!

Love Always,

This Jo

Working....and the point...

SO today my post is merely a rant...but also keen observations keep reading:

-Why are bosses such assholes sometimes?
a. They have a small dick
b. They aren't getting laid
c. They are fat, ugly, unattractive and balding
d. They frequently wear pleated pants
e. They're collegue is a lesbian who wears pants
f. all of the fucking above

Today is cleaarly an F day in my mind, but somedays I think male patterned insecurity is a lot like male pattern baldness. The more security/confidence you lose (e.g. hair) the more of a dick you are. Or really what you lack in girth or length you make up for in behavior.

Also why do short, fat, balding men, who are assholes, and wear pleated pants (no more pleats people!) think they can get any woman they want? Sometimes their just isn't enough money in the world or drinks in the bar for a women to get down with...well you know.

Ok enough of this for the day...

Ahh new york...why do people steal...and I want my IPOD BACK!!!

one more for get laid party - w4w

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: pers-351321658@craigslist.org
Date: 2007-06-13, 1:18PM EDT


to the person who went through my wallet and stole random shit:

I sincerely hope you enjoy my cancelled debit card, my ID featuring my beautiful self at age 16, and a gift card with no money on it. you missed another credit card, two monthly metrocards, and giftcards that were actually worth something. lesson: don't steal when you're drunk.

way to put a good face on the queer community. if you by any chance are feeling like the scum that you are and want to return my ID- i would walk away feeling lucky that I don't have to go to the DMV.

you've got some bad karma heading towards you.

Life without my IPOD...

So some snot nosed brat (possibly) lifted my IPOD this morning from underneath me...valuable lesson learned...never remove your IPOD. Always wear you IPOD at all times....when walking down stairs, peeing, entering subway stations, crossing streets, eating, reading, sleeping....keep it on....otherwise soem unsuspecting asshole will walk off with your entire music collection. If this where the 80's I would have seen the fucker grab my walman...that thing was the size of a frickin suitcase....alas it is gone...........

I do...and what everyone did at a wedding this weekend...

So I went to yet another wedding this weekend for my dear friends L & L by far the cutest, nicest and blondest couple ever. Too cute...

It was like a college reunion girls I haven't seen in 5 or 6 year partying together. The wedding started of beautiful...they wrote their own vows, it took place outside, the wedding march was a tasteful version of an outcast song, the flower girl was the cutest...they even had a Best Women and Men of honor instead of the traditional. Then on to the cocktail hour...I had 3 glasses of wine in a very, very short period of time...then a tasteful and excellent dinner, great speeches...lots and lots of dancing. All was well from 4pm till 1030p....with only a half hour to go...

-Shirts and ties came off on the dance floor in the 'dancing circle'
-Small and cute Sophia was tossed in the hair and crowd surfed...great idea right?
-Apple juice became an appropriate mixer for vodka
-The hookup potential for all was established
-a plan was made to continue drinking despite my then...9 drinks...(1 champagne 8 full glasses of wine)
-My boobs kept getting grabbed
-A girl was trampled by another when diving for the bouquet of flowers...literally tackled to the ground

SO after all of that we went back to the hotel changed clothes and hit up a bar for more drinking...glasses where broken I stole a glass of wine and walked out of the bar but not before by friend Annie convinced everyone we should go old school...and by that I mean 8th grade style and play truth or dare in her hotel room...here's what transpired:

-Guy drops draws and hangs out in boxers and tie
-cuddle fest happens with 6 people on bed
-the finer points of anal sex are discussed as a group
-group sex was then discussed
-then sex occurred in a stairwell...
-sex occurred on a crowded hotel room floor...
-a girl got fingered on said hotel floor (different girl...same guy?)
-massages...good ones
-singing
-3 18 packs where consumed...
-and two more bottles of wine...
-cops came...
-as did quite a few attendees of the wedding...

In short...I wish I remembered my camera because it was quite a wedding!!

-This Jo

Why drinking should be allowed on the job...

A. It makes me happy
B. The "Purple Lipstick" I get from wine isn't something I could every buy
C. Better than coffee...I'm far less hyper
D. I smile a lot more and that make the people around me less frightened
E. I have this really cute drawl when I drink...or I mean slur but seriously its cute
F. I'm much more flirtatious when I drink, which means I sell more ad space
G. Drinking is Good for the heart
H. If I drink enough some luppy slup might get lucky in the copy room
I. When I drink nothings funnier than photocopies of my butt
J. I look cute hugging a barrel of wine



I love California wine....................................................

Why grad school sucks.....

...because all I do is study now.....the coutndown...May 24th and its all over...

California has to wait...

So I went to california last week...so that would explain the lack of posts...I took a million pictures and had a blast in fact I think I may go day to day on this blog just so I can fill you all in...but until then an observation about women at work...ok not all women but I keep getting these WNBA email blasts (am I on a gay list somewhere that they bought?)and it made me think of this excellent clip from the family guy:



Did you catch the WNBA salary reference? Well before you start punching yourself for not playing pro ball here's how much they actually make:

June, 2004: The minimum WNBA salary for players with 0-3 years of experience is $30,600 and for players with 4 or more years of experience it's $43,700. The maximum WNBA salary is $87,000. 2004 WNBA Rookies make somewhere between $41,000 and $34,000. Players on the team that wins the WNBA championship each get a bonus of $10,000. Players on the runner-up team each get $5,000.

I should be working but instead...Burrito poetry...

Oh burrito, you are supreme
with chicken, beans, and sour cream.
Taco Bell has the best deals,
but FreeBirds lasts me for two meals.
Breakfast, dinner, or even for lunch,
I love burritos a whole, whole bunch.

A beer stand vs. Lemondae stand

When I was a little kid I did all sorts of things that have probably led me to work in sales today...for instance I sold scrap wood with a nail in it for ten cents to a bunch of kids in the neighborhood and told them it was a toy gun. I stole flowers from the neighbors yard and sold them...I even sold her her own tulips for $5...and yeah...I got caught. But what I never thought of was setting up a "beer stnad" check out this kid:

A kid sells beer

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California Love.....

So I'm going to california to be in a good friends wedding next week...yeah Napa! Thank God my dress is red because I'll be knocking back plenty of vino and probbaly spilling all over myself!

So I got to thinking today...I love Cali I should move there...but because I'm a horrible person I decided against because of the slow pace, the nice people...and the constant can you spare some change. I blame the kids from Southpark:

PGA...new meaning...

Last night I gave new meaning to PGA...

PGA = Pathetic Golfers Association
PGA = Probably Gay Association

I went to the Chelsea Piers Women's Golf Event last night...which was actually cooler than it sounds...but mostly because it was open bar. So basically they feed you, liquour you up and then give you clubs and balls...and for anyone who's ever seen me drink...you must be thinking "Are they Crazy?"

Don't worry there where no fatalities or injuries...only injuries to my pride and spirit. I guess the stereotype that lesbians are good at golf isn't always true...at least for my friend and I. But then again Lesbians are about 30% of golf/tennis touring pros...

hmmm...I always actually thought Golf was lame until I saw Happy Gilmore...

Help, Leukimia and Team in Training

The Leukemia Society's Team In Training® is the world's largest endurance sports training program. The program provides training to run or walk marathons and half marathons or participate in triathlons and century (100-mile) bike rides. Since 1988, more than 320,000 volunteer participants have helped raise more than $750 million.

A good friend of mine is trying to raise money for this cause please click on the images/links in this post to help and donate! Click on the image below to donate:



Thx. Jo

Pirate Queen...a mature review...

For some reason I have James Horner's scores from the "Titanic" stuck in my head....why you ask? Because the Pirate Queen's music totally ripped it off. I kept picturing good ol' Leo and Kate at the mast of the ship instead of Pirates...

And as much as I love Pirates....since I knew nothing of the play I was sourly disappointed. It was Riverdance at sea with hints of "Les Miz." The story was a good one...reeking of 16th century feminism and love in a political context. But...the plot and characterizations where sorely lacking....

AND you know there is a problem with a show when during the swash buckling themes my theater obsessed roommate and I are texting one another:

J: suckme@mycock.com

Theater obsessed roommate: Anything@mycoochiewoochie.com

J: Yeeeaah@yeahbitch.com

Theater obsessed roommate: Stopstealingmyshit@thelivingwhore.com

J:PS I am 5 and I throw a stick Foor yooou...Deerhoof

BUT...if you can get past the lame sword fights and the constant singing plot rather than song...you'll like Pirate Queen.

--Jo

Rove Faces Protesters at American University

In the spirit and tradition of AU (was the film PCU loosely based on this school...maybe) protesters voiced their beliefs on campus. Students where not happy with White House advisor Karl Rove's appearance on the campus of American University this past Tuesday night.

Rove went to the campus to speak to the American University College Republicans. The group's web site billed the Republican strategist's appearance as a discussion of electoral politics and the importance of college Republicans in winning elections...hmmm...now why would anyone get upset about that?

American University has traditionally been fairly democratic and has a long history of protests and supporting the ideas of all students. I know that when I went there that was one of the reasons I loved it so much.

According to a university spokesperson, as Rove tried to leave a building on campus he was confronted by more than a dozen protesters. Some reportedly started throwing things at Rove and his car. Others tried to block his vehicle...but before that 150+ students had a sit in on campus that day.

American University security guards moved in and carried the protesters away, so Rove could leave. Campus police describe the protest as peaceful and there were no arrests.

For more on this take a look at this video posted by ABC:

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White Chicks and Gang Signs? What?

Wow...these chicks look badass...um yeah. But really do they know what they're saying with their "Gang Signs"?

Slime Square! And Grindhouse....

Before 42nd street was "cleaned up" it was a seedy little spot often referred to as "Slime Square" as this t-shirt is reminiscent of http://www.cafepress.com/tshirtcade.121898827



And although I like walking down a street and not looking at porn at everyturn...I'm still sad to see that old B movies are gone. The low-budget rough cut films that where once a popular thing of the 50's, 60' and 70's...are now gone...well almost. Its back...but not as low-budget...unless 53 mill is low budget...

Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez have made two films dubbed as “Grindhouse” and it's not being billed as 2 movies but two for the price of a single ticket. “Planet Terror,” from Rodriguez, is 80 minutes long, and tells a story of, biochemical terror...not an uncommon theme in cult classics (although usually they involved aliens too). Tarantino’s “Death Proof,” is 90 minutes long, has to do with a murderous stuntman and his car. The movies are connected by trailers for four movies that do not exist, by four directors who do — Eli Roth (whose most recent real film was “Hostel”), Rob Zombie (“House of 1,000 Corpses”), Edgar Wright (“Shaun of the Dead”) and Rodriguez.

Now do I like scary movies?...um not really...but what I do like about this is the nostalgia, and the grittyness of New York. I read the recent Timeout article and it gave me a brilliant idea for a night on the town..a "Gritty in the City" Night so to speak...:

1. 8pm Grindhouse in Time Square

2.Midnight Pussycat Lounge
"Part urban strip joint, part divey rock/cabaret venue, the Pussycat Lounge (96 Greenwich St between Carlisle and Rector Sts, 212-349-4800) is three floors of throwback New York sleaze (the well-guarded doors first swung open in 1969). The main floor is dank, narrow and lined with a wall of mirrors and ratty sofas—the perfect perch for settling in for the show, or further developing the friendship you just made in one of the private lounges. The dancers ($20 for a lap dance) are more vintage Debbie Harry than Jessica Simpson. Invite one along for the rest of the night’s journey."
"
3. 2am Cordato’s Bodega Bar
"After Pussycat, skulk into the back of this deli–pizza parlor (94 1/2 Greenwich St between Carlisle and Rector Sts, 212-233-1573), where a glowing Michelob Ultra clock illuminates a plain door. Behind it, a mix of traders, hip-hop heads and Ground Zero carpenters score $10 lap dances from Pussycat moonlighters. It’s worth a stop, and soon: Word is, this block may be demolished to make room for a high-rise hotel."

I'll keep interested parties posted on the when now that you know the where...

Alanis and...My Humps

The world has officially ended...Alannis Morisette covering Fergie's My Humps...my life is complete...

Online dating...lesbians, men and video...

So a good friend of mine and I where chatting it up about online dating...to try or not to try...We both have in the past with disasterous results because if you are a lesbian and you are looking for woman you'll find 1 of 4 things:

1. She's either bi-curious or gay and has never...ever been with a woman
2. Absolutley psychotic and devoid of all human emotion...aka emotionally unavailable
3. So socially awkward having drinks with them is absolutley painful
4. A pretty cool person...but you lack chemistry (this is very, very rare...ok its really just me when I online date)

And if you are looking for a guy you'll find 1 of these 4 things:

1. He accidently though match.com was really snatch.com and is just looking for a one night stand with less work and drink purchasing involved
2. He's absolutley desperate, old and wants a wife...now (did I mention proabably bald and works in finance?)
3. Going to bald...and soon...
4. An Actor, Waiter who wants to practice his next roll on you

What we concluded....the best way to meet people is through friends...or even if you happene to meet them at a bar at least you get the opportunity to see them interact with their friends and that speaks volumes. I mean then again there's always letting everyone know exactly what you're about and looking for with video dating...hmmm:

Earmuffs!!...Things you should never know about your older siblings...

When you where a kid did you ever have nightmares and run to your parents room only to find the door locked? And when you shouted "Mommie, Daddie the wolf ate my crayons in the dream!!!" they told you"Go back to bed it will be fine, Daddy will get the wolf if he comes back!" You wondered what was so important in there that they couldn't talk to you about the wolf....or how he ate your crayons.

This exact scenario happened to me and I would scurry down the hallway to by big sister DD's room (she's 7 years older) and she would tell me my Mom and Dad where probably just cleaning...this made total sense because our house was so clean! Well at 27 years old I believed this to be true until...last night.

Yesterday I took the Metro North Railroad to CT to go to my big sis's 35th b-day! her husband John planned a suprise b-day party in South Norwalk at Havana bar and Grill. It was fun and very tame...until I got the brilliant idea that everyone should do Tequila Shooters...bad idea....

Let me preface this with the fact that DD is a total light weight....but when she drinks too much she's nothing but trouble...last Halloween she had 6 drinks...punched her friend Janine "accidently" in the eye and told some girl that she was a much "Bigger Whore than Vinny's last skank" and then she asked her if she "Did hair in NJ" and then told her "Van Halen and Poison are Dead." And although last night wasn't as physically damaging to those around DD...it has scarred me for life...ok not really...but you know...

My sisters friend Janine told me after 4 drinks that its been so long since she got laid that I was starting to look good to her...which you know was nice to hear...because I mean who doesn't want to get hit on by a 4 foot tall, 39 year old schoolteacher with smokers cough and a drinking problem...I mean she probably had finger paints back at her place...and I love that shit. Maybe we could of made little construction paper turkeys with our hands after "lovemaking." I only use that word because she kept telling me about her lack of "lovers" since her divorce.

4 shots later and 2 Sangria's...

I'm dancing to 80's hairband music with a dozen 30 and 40 year olds at O'Neils Irish Pub...My sisters friend Hannah asks me how I like living in NYC...and then proceeds to tell me that she loves NYC because theres so many fun things to do. AND that ahe and her husband and went to a "Swingers Party" in the city last month...how that had anything to do with the fact that I moved to NYC I'm not sure...and WHO ARE THESE PEOLPE?

Did this mean that DD herself was a swinger? My nice sweet older sister who taught Bible study and prepares vegan and gluten free snacks for her 2 year old son? The older sister who put bandaids on my cuts and covered my eyes during scary part or sex scenes in movies? The sister who let me tell her about the scary wolf who would eat my crayons in my dreams?!!

GOD NO!!! But after about 8 drinks she did say! "I'm gonna get laid tonight!! WooHoo! Its my Birthday!!!"

On nights like that I wish I could have had a pair of earmuffs...

Deerhoof is awesome....

So recently I downloaded Deerhoofs "Friend Opportunity" and hated it...but its grown on me slowly the lyrics are so catchy and the adorable Japanese woman non-sensical crooning...damn it...its infected the minds of me and everyone around me...so much so that I've convinced my hip hop loving roomates to check them out with me! The show is May 17th at The Filmore! And only $16.50 a piece totally worth it...check out the lyrics for "Kidz are small" and a clip of the song live at the Ottobar in Baltimore!



If I were a man and you a dog
If I were a man and you a dog
I'd throw a stick for you
If I were a man and you a dog I'd throw a stick for you
If I were dog and you a man I'd throw a fit for you
If I were dog and you a man I'd throw a fit for you

Ba da do jeet do, Bo jee do jeet do...

If I were a man and you a dog
If I were a man and you a dog
I'd throw a stick for you

Ba da do jeet do, Bo jee do jeet do...

So I borrowed some Tweezers..whats the big deal?

OK...so we've all had bad roommates...you know the type:

1. Borrows your underwear without asking...and returns them dirty (don't worry I told her she could keep them)

2. Smokes pot in your bedroom...because you have a comfy chair in your room(stupid bitch...no wonder everyone used to think I was a pothead)

3. Brings home the whole "fleet" during fleet week and has a not a 3-some but a 5-some in the living room (I don't care if your bedroom is small...so not OK)

4. Does coke on your dinner plates and puts them back in the cabinets...so that when you use the plate to eat a turkey sandwich later...you are utterly stunned by your hyperactivity

5. Walks around with a strap on in the apartment when you have guests (awkward)

6. Leaves her sex toys on the floor when your parents are visiting that day (You try explaining what a silver bullet is to your mother and then you'll know why this sucks)

7. Naps in your bed because their bed is covered in crap (come on!)

OK...so clearly College and craigslist have been unkind to me in terms of roommates...but that's changed...I now live with two awesome roommates and long time friends! And I'm not just telling you how great they are because they're both going to read this at some point...;)

Anyway...so I did a bad thing...and my roommate left me...actually not me but her tweezers a note...I mean I'm Italian! I had a stray eyebrow hair...it was an emergency! Her note (pictured) read "Dear Tweezers...I miss you. Come Home. --Laura" OK so I admitted it, returned them and she was cool with it. But then I worried am I a bad roommate...she doesn't seem to think so but...AOL seems to think so:

"Advice for Housemates
(i.e., those who share a bathroom and kitchen)
Health & Safety.
Items which may carry blood-borne germs -- razors, toothbrushes, tweezers -- which belong to your housemates are never to be borrowed, even with permission; and if accidentally contaminated, e.g. by dropping on the floor or in the sink or tub (anywhere with more germs), be a pal: take responsibility for sterilizing them. This requires immersion in bleach, alcohol, or boiling water. You never know who has an exotic virus. Be selfish -- don't share germs with anyone.

(EXOTIC VIRUSES!!...holy shit...could I have a weird new virus? I'll keep you posted..I'm not generally a hypochondriac...but we'll see)
Companion Animals.
Surprise Pets: Never come home with an unexpected animal and announce, "We have a new family member! Isn't it cute?" The "cutest" animals chew on furniture and the personal belongings of others. The "friendliest" pets might trigger someones asthma. The "softest" ones cause more hard house-cleaning for everyone. And so, new pets must be agreed on in advance.

(DAMN IT! I fucked up again...I brought home a Garden Gnome once and a traffic Cone...named Boris of course....but I swear they are so well behaved)

A Word About Sharing.
Food: To share or not to share? As always, no one should be forced to share, but if everyone is agreeable to sharing groceries, go for it.
Non-Consumable Items: Items in the common areas are generally to be shared. Fragile items are only to be looked at, but the TV, VCR, stereo, etc. are for shared use. Anything you own but don't want to share belongs in your room -- or notify your housemate, and notify him/her early, so you don't seem to be one of those fickle folks who are always making fresh changes.
House Plants: Your housemates plants are not trash cans. Nor are they ash trays. Gosh, some plants are so hypersensitive, I wouldn't even put water on them without asking....

OK...so I used the plant as an astray once...and I'm pretty sure I was drunk when I did it...and honestly...after the beer and cigarettes...I swear the plants flourished!

OK so thanks to AOL I realized I'm not the perfect roommate...and I know now borrowing tweezers is a no-no...but still...I'm not the worst roommate in the word...I mean refer to my list up top 1-7(http://users.aol.com/Relationshop/Neighbors.html)

America the beautiful...and I'm not the father!

Ok...so I was chatting it up with some people in one of my grad school classes last night...and I swear it was like none of them had ever read a newspaper. One guy didn't know that France could elect Presidents(http://www.nytimes.com/2007/03/28/world/europe/28france.html?_r=1&oref=slogin)....apparently he thought it was a monarchy for some reason because of that "Napoleon Guy"...so I changed the topic to sports thinking that would work with conversing with men...but apparently if its not football, baseball or b-ball it just doesn't count. So know one cared about Phelps record setting swim http://www.nytimes.com/2007/03/28/sports/29cnd-swim.html?ref=sports

But I guess I shouldn't be so judgmental because they knew all sorts of things I know zilch about...for instance...they knew about this guy not being some woman's babies daddy...

So wrong but I love it anyway...

So I'm a socially conscious person...I am I swear! And I have intense respect for the deaf community and Marlee Matson... but for some reason this recent Family Guy clip keeps me up at night laughing...

My Life as a Dancer...an Exotic Dancer....

So about 2 weeks ago I traveled to a faraway land to learn how to become an exotic dancer...Ok So it was just Boston...and I went there for a bachelorette, but pole dancing was involved!

It was surprisingly so much fun! Those Gypsy Rose chicks sure know how to party....the only problem...instead of taking aways tons of cash at a strip club I took away an injury instead.

Apparently according to my Podiatrist Dr, Brummer, injuring two small bones or rather inflammation of two small bones just below the toes is common for women who wear intense heels...especially strippers.

It was actually slightly embarrassing to tell him how I had injured myself...but hey there are far worse things...and I think I made his day. And really that's what its all about...